Are you someone who wakes in the night sweating over a neighbor’s unsanctioned porch gnome? Do you consider a driveway food truck a personal attack on suburban integrity? Have you ever looked at a child’s lemonade stand and thought, “Unlicensed beverage sales”?
Congratulations. You might be ready for the HOA lifestyle.
At Harmony Ordinance Association™, we believe neighborhoods should be tidy, beige, and free from the chaos of personality. Because if your neighbor paints their door Sunset Marigold, what’s next—swing sets? Laughter? Individuality? We shudder at the thought.
Here in the warm, mulch-scented arms of HOA life, you too can help build a community rooted in mutual suspicion and aesthetic micro-management. We don’t call it control. We call it harmony. And nothing says harmony like filing a formal complaint about whimsical wind chimes.
Our members enjoy a variety of exclusive privileges:
Control Over Other People’s Door Colors:
Because color should only come in five emotionally neutral shades.
Mandatory Lawn-Length Ceremonies:
Where we count grass blades together as a sacred act of suburban communion.
Seasonal Decoration Enforcement Squads:
Ensuring no one celebrates joy longer than spiritually appropriate.
Surprise Citations for Crimes of Whimsy:
Your flamingo is facing east when the bylaws clearly state southeast. You know what you did.
Annual HOA Meetings with Unlimited Tapioca and Unlimited Regret:
Speak your truth and watch Barbara veto it with a smirk and a binder the size of a legal brief.
You’ll also meet like-minded individuals—people who recreationally carry clipboards, casually own laser rangefinders for mailbox measuring, and take pride in knowing the approved shade of “Greige #3” by heart. People who know that true community means preventing someone else from being slightly expressive.
Joining is easy. We send you a beige vest, a booklet of Acceptable Paver Patterns, and a fridge magnet that says Live, Laugh, Landscape Regulation. You’ll receive your first citation by sunrise. It’ll be for something minor, like having a spirit.
But don’t worry. You’ll come to love it.
Because in the HOA, we don’t just protect property values.
We protect values—like conformity, predictability, and a deep-rooted suspicion of driveways used for anything but sedans and disappointment.
So if you’ve ever looked around your neighborhood and thought,
“There’s just too much joy happening here,”
We’re waiting for you. Clipboard in hand. Pen uncapped.
Ready to build a better tomorrow—one passive-aggressive letter at a time.