The fact that the DOT is rolling out a “civility campaign” is genuinely hilarious. As if the airport hellscape is caused by—what, underdressed passengers? Not the underpaid, overworked airline crews. Not the miracle of squeezing 200 humans into a flying aluminum cattle car built with the structural integrity of a Mountain Dew can. Not the incessant nickel-and-diming that charges you for checking a bag, carrying a bag, looking at a bag, choosing a seat, or—God forbid—sitting next to your own child.
And certainly not the hours spent trudging barefoot through unconstitutional security theater, all so a bored agent can confiscate your toothpaste and pretend this is the price of freedom.
No, no. The real issue—the thing truly destabilizing the friendly skies—is apparently that Americans aren’t dressing up to fly like it’s 1953 and Pan Am is about to offer them a complimentary scotch and a cigarette. That’s right: the DOT’s big holiday message is basically, “Why don’t you monsters put on some slacks?”
I genuinely chuckle thinking about the meetings this required. The number of adults—presumably educated, presumably paid—who sat around a long table, nodded earnestly, and said, “Yes. Yes, the leggings are the problem. The Crocs. The dad in cargo shorts. This is what America needs to hear before Thanksgiving.”
This, mind you, after they shut down numerous flights during the federal impasse. After the logistical chaos they helped create, their big takeaway is: Please stop causing a ruckus and maybe wear a blazer.
It’s so absurd it loops back around to being poetic.
Imagine the PowerPoint deck someone made for this. Imagine the stock photos: a smiling family dressed like they’re headed to Easter brunch. A grandmother in pearls rolling her Samsonite. A businessman in a three-piece suit pretending to enjoy seat 29B with six inches of legroom and a tray table that lists harder than Congress.
Not a single slide on infrastructure. Not one bullet point on scheduling bottlenecks, staff shortages, aging equipment, predatory fees, or the psychological impact of being herded like livestock while TSA takes your dignity and your bottle of Fiji water. No mention of the fact that flights are delayed for everything from weather to crew timing to the pilot’s soul exiting his body.
But hey—what if we politely ask people to be nicer?
And dress better?
Maybe we’re the ones who have been unreasonable this whole time. Maybe the $600 holiday ticket would feel totally fine if I just wore a tie. Maybe the middle seat would be luxurious if I simply matched my socks.
Our government is run by idiots. And honestly? At this point, I’m just impressed by the consistency.