Hi, sweetie. Are you ready to learn how numbers work today? Great! Because apparently, a whole bunch of full-grown adult humans—who can legally vote and operate gas-powered vehicles—have forgotten how counting functions. So we’re going to use crayons, because that’s the last time they probably understood the world.
Let’s say we’re in a classroom, and there are 100 crayons. Mikey has 55. Jeff has 45. That means Mikey has more, right? That’s right! You’re so smart. Because 55 is more than 45, and when someone has more, they get to pick the color for the class poster. We don’t even need a calculator! We can use our fingers and toes like the big kids!
Now let’s pretend Mikey is the Crayon Boss because he has more crayons. And Mikey says, “No one gets to color unless we use my special poop-brown crayon that smells like disappointment and fear.” The other kids—being normal, functioning creatures—say, “Ew, Mikey, no thanks.” And Mikey, being Mikey, throws his crayons on the floor, lies face down on his Lightning McQueen backpack, and screams, “FINE THEN, NOBODY COLORS AT ALL!”
Now here’s the fun twist, kids. Mikey blames Jeff. That’s right. Mikey, the crayon hoarder with the numeric advantage and full control of the box, looks around the room with Cheeto dust on his lips and says, “This is Jeff’s fault! Jeff RUINED Coloring Time!”
And guess what? Some of the grown-ups nod. They believe him. They hear Mikey sobbing into his elbow and go, “Yeah, Mikey’s got a point. Jeff should’ve just agreed to the poop crayon. What a selfish little anarchist.”
Let’s pause and do a little exercise. Who had more crayons? Mikey. Who said, “Do it my way or nothing at all”? Mikey. Who was in charge of Coloring Time? Mikey. Who shut it down when people didn’t want to eat the poop sandwich? Mikey. And who do these adults—these logic-resistant carbon-based organisms—blame?
Jeff.
Because numbers? Who cares about numbers! Majority? What even is that?! These folks are out here blaming the minority for what the majority controls, like someone who loses a game of checkers and blames the chess board.
This isn’t political commentary. This is cartoon brain rot in a flag suit.
So if you’re one of the adults out here saying, “It’s Jeff’s fault the government shut down,” here’s what you’re really saying: “I don’t understand how numbers work, I am deeply afraid of accountability, and I think yelling louder makes me correct.” And that’s okay, Mikey. We’ll just make sure you never run the class again.
But don’t worry. We’ll keep coloring without you. With better crayons. And way, way better math.